Sunday, January 21, 2007

The Rolen Exception

With the NFL conference championship games about to start, I've been thinking about the people who attend these games and what they wear. I'm known as something of a fashion trendsetter so I've come up with a few fashion rules about wearing player jerseys.

  • General Rule: Don't look foolish by wearing the jersey of a player who is younger than you. I don't own any jerseys, but as an old fart this would limit me to old timers such as Bart Starr and Reggie Jackson. A man of my age wearing an Uhrlacher jersey to today's Bears game should be forced to exchange it for a Butkus jersey. The Retired Player Addendum: If you have a Butkus jersey, only wear it to football games. Otherwise don't wear it out in public.
  • The Brady Exception: Women are given five years leeway. In the case of Tom Brady (29), this qualifies women up to the age of 34 to wear his jersey and have impure thoughts.
  • The Scott Rolen Exception: The five-year rule is waived for women whose ideal evening with the subject player would be to have his family over for dinner and send them home with a tin of cookies fresh from the oven. Also known as the "The St. Louis Grandmother Exception." It is recognized that this exception is subject to abuse, so the jersey wearer's true motivation should be determined through pointed questioning.

What I'm saying is middle-aged guys shouldn't go around wearing Kobe Bryant jerseys. You look ridiculous. His father Joe "Jellybean" is two years older than me so even I can wear one of his jerseys, if such a thing exists, but for Kobe you have to be 29 or less.